Friday, September 30, 2005
♥ Depressed
I don't know how to start this. But lately, I have stopped blogging due to depression and emotional breakdown. I have been feeling so down that I tend to hate myself and everything I do. I am not performing well in my work and I have been a bit lazy and day dreaming all through the office hours.
At night, when I am watching the tv alone, I would break down and cry until I choke myself with my sobs and feeling afraid that my parents would hear me crying, I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Why am I like this?
I do not know why but I feel that I would be better off dead than feeling this way. No, I am not going to kill myself.
I lost a brother back when I was 13 years old. He was 10 at that time. I would wonder and ask myself why was it him and not me. I mean I would ask God why was it his time - he was such an adorable brother, much loved by almost everyone and had a very cheeky smile and a kind heart. He would always sacrifice for his loved ones. And he was really adored by others.
I would put myself in a different description. I feel that everyone hates me in every possible way that they can. I don't blame them. I myself sometimes hate what I see.
I would ask Allah at night why was my brother taken away from us and not me. I am not saying that I cannot accept fate, but I guess that if it was me, life would be great for all. Especially my parents.
My parents would be happy and proud of their 3 sons. No burden in seeing their daughter getting married at the right age and worrying if she is ever going to get married. And maybe do my parents proud and not embarassing them in any way.
I have made myself prepared mentally quite a few years back for this. But I don't know if my parents will ever feel 'relieved'. I am not blaing my parents on my depression, but myself. I am the one taking this depression too seriously.
Pardon me on my depressed entry, but I feel lost again.
At night, when I am watching the tv alone, I would break down and cry until I choke myself with my sobs and feeling afraid that my parents would hear me crying, I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Why am I like this?
I do not know why but I feel that I would be better off dead than feeling this way. No, I am not going to kill myself.
I lost a brother back when I was 13 years old. He was 10 at that time. I would wonder and ask myself why was it him and not me. I mean I would ask God why was it his time - he was such an adorable brother, much loved by almost everyone and had a very cheeky smile and a kind heart. He would always sacrifice for his loved ones. And he was really adored by others.
I would put myself in a different description. I feel that everyone hates me in every possible way that they can. I don't blame them. I myself sometimes hate what I see.
I would ask Allah at night why was my brother taken away from us and not me. I am not saying that I cannot accept fate, but I guess that if it was me, life would be great for all. Especially my parents.
My parents would be happy and proud of their 3 sons. No burden in seeing their daughter getting married at the right age and worrying if she is ever going to get married. And maybe do my parents proud and not embarassing them in any way.
I have made myself prepared mentally quite a few years back for this. But I don't know if my parents will ever feel 'relieved'. I am not blaing my parents on my depression, but myself. I am the one taking this depression too seriously.
Pardon me on my depressed entry, but I feel lost again.
Am i really never good enough for you?
3:03 PM
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3:03 PM
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