Friday, September 30, 2005
♥ Depressed
I don't know how to start this. But lately, I have stopped blogging due to depression and emotional breakdown. I have been feeling so down that I tend to hate myself and everything I do. I am not performing well in my work and I have been a bit lazy and day dreaming all through the office hours.
At night, when I am watching the tv alone, I would break down and cry until I choke myself with my sobs and feeling afraid that my parents would hear me crying, I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Why am I like this?
I do not know why but I feel that I would be better off dead than feeling this way. No, I am not going to kill myself.
I lost a brother back when I was 13 years old. He was 10 at that time. I would wonder and ask myself why was it him and not me. I mean I would ask God why was it his time - he was such an adorable brother, much loved by almost everyone and had a very cheeky smile and a kind heart. He would always sacrifice for his loved ones. And he was really adored by others.
I would put myself in a different description. I feel that everyone hates me in every possible way that they can. I don't blame them. I myself sometimes hate what I see.
I would ask Allah at night why was my brother taken away from us and not me. I am not saying that I cannot accept fate, but I guess that if it was me, life would be great for all. Especially my parents.
My parents would be happy and proud of their 3 sons. No burden in seeing their daughter getting married at the right age and worrying if she is ever going to get married. And maybe do my parents proud and not embarassing them in any way.
I have made myself prepared mentally quite a few years back for this. But I don't know if my parents will ever feel 'relieved'. I am not blaing my parents on my depression, but myself. I am the one taking this depression too seriously.
Pardon me on my depressed entry, but I feel lost again.
At night, when I am watching the tv alone, I would break down and cry until I choke myself with my sobs and feeling afraid that my parents would hear me crying, I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Why am I like this?
I do not know why but I feel that I would be better off dead than feeling this way. No, I am not going to kill myself.
I lost a brother back when I was 13 years old. He was 10 at that time. I would wonder and ask myself why was it him and not me. I mean I would ask God why was it his time - he was such an adorable brother, much loved by almost everyone and had a very cheeky smile and a kind heart. He would always sacrifice for his loved ones. And he was really adored by others.
I would put myself in a different description. I feel that everyone hates me in every possible way that they can. I don't blame them. I myself sometimes hate what I see.
I would ask Allah at night why was my brother taken away from us and not me. I am not saying that I cannot accept fate, but I guess that if it was me, life would be great for all. Especially my parents.
My parents would be happy and proud of their 3 sons. No burden in seeing their daughter getting married at the right age and worrying if she is ever going to get married. And maybe do my parents proud and not embarassing them in any way.
I have made myself prepared mentally quite a few years back for this. But I don't know if my parents will ever feel 'relieved'. I am not blaing my parents on my depression, but myself. I am the one taking this depression too seriously.
Pardon me on my depressed entry, but I feel lost again.
Am i really never good enough for you?
3:03 PM
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3:03 PM
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Friday, September 23, 2005
♥ Double? Triple?
I am totally exhausted. I have not been able to pamper myself lately and have been working like hell! Well, at least that't how life is around my work in September every year.
Anyway, I am back and I truly miss my daily ramblings. I encountered a situation during my exhausted hours of work. This guy (a senior officer - who I RARELY have any conversations except about work and have never joked around with) came up to me while I was enjoying my lunch (which wasn't much - like three tablespoons of rice, ayam masak merah yg paling kecil, daging kurma (just a small piece), and veggies) on Tuesday after being on my feet that morning and the last three days with 3 more days to go, babbled something to me.
I looked up at him and smiled while wondering what on earth was this guy saying? I guess he knew that I didn't hear him so he repeated what he said earlier (and with aloud voice that made the other people eating looked at me) which was - Cukuplah makan tu... karang badan dari size XL, jadi double XL takpun triple XL. I was like what is he trying to say? But I just kept quiet and went on eating which was just like playing with my food. I thought that he would just shut up. But I was damn wrong. He even continued that I will be a size 4XL with the same tone and volume. Oh my God! Can't he understand the ignorance that I gave? I guess he just thinks that he is superb and can say anything he wants because he is a senior officer. Or maybe he is just plain dumb.
Another incident happened while I was having my coffee break. I was just holding a cup of coffee while my friend had mee kari. I didn't have any because I was too exhausted to eat. My friend sat beside me and then came this officer. He said - haaa.. duduklah sebelah dia tu... Nanti boleh lawan saiz. This time I didn't keep quiet. My mouth just shot back at him. I said.. haaa... baguslah kalau macam tu..ramailah lagi saiz triple XL kat sini... senang sikit nak buat keje... tak payah tunggu kudrat lelaki... maklumlah.. lelaki banyaknya kaki ponteng... He was surprised and shocked to see that I would say anything like that. He just stared blankly and went away.
I mean what is it with people? Is being 'abnormal' in terms of size, a sin and an opportunity to be called names and being teased? Do people think that people with excess fat do not have feelings because their body is so huge that the small size of their hearts won't get hurt? Please change the way you think about others. Everyone - yes I mean even those with excess fat like me, have feelings. Sometimes I can laugh when you make a joke about my size and weight, but infront of others, I am not willing to be a laughing stock. I do have my pride and self-esteem to care for. Same goes with people with disabilities. Never make fun of them. They also have hearts.
I guess some people need to be reminded from time to time about this.
Anyway, I am back and I truly miss my daily ramblings. I encountered a situation during my exhausted hours of work. This guy (a senior officer - who I RARELY have any conversations except about work and have never joked around with) came up to me while I was enjoying my lunch (which wasn't much - like three tablespoons of rice, ayam masak merah yg paling kecil, daging kurma (just a small piece), and veggies) on Tuesday after being on my feet that morning and the last three days with 3 more days to go, babbled something to me.
I looked up at him and smiled while wondering what on earth was this guy saying? I guess he knew that I didn't hear him so he repeated what he said earlier (and with aloud voice that made the other people eating looked at me) which was - Cukuplah makan tu... karang badan dari size XL, jadi double XL takpun triple XL. I was like what is he trying to say? But I just kept quiet and went on eating which was just like playing with my food. I thought that he would just shut up. But I was damn wrong. He even continued that I will be a size 4XL with the same tone and volume. Oh my God! Can't he understand the ignorance that I gave? I guess he just thinks that he is superb and can say anything he wants because he is a senior officer. Or maybe he is just plain dumb.
Another incident happened while I was having my coffee break. I was just holding a cup of coffee while my friend had mee kari. I didn't have any because I was too exhausted to eat. My friend sat beside me and then came this officer. He said - haaa.. duduklah sebelah dia tu... Nanti boleh lawan saiz. This time I didn't keep quiet. My mouth just shot back at him. I said.. haaa... baguslah kalau macam tu..ramailah lagi saiz triple XL kat sini... senang sikit nak buat keje... tak payah tunggu kudrat lelaki... maklumlah.. lelaki banyaknya kaki ponteng... He was surprised and shocked to see that I would say anything like that. He just stared blankly and went away.
I mean what is it with people? Is being 'abnormal' in terms of size, a sin and an opportunity to be called names and being teased? Do people think that people with excess fat do not have feelings because their body is so huge that the small size of their hearts won't get hurt? Please change the way you think about others. Everyone - yes I mean even those with excess fat like me, have feelings. Sometimes I can laugh when you make a joke about my size and weight, but infront of others, I am not willing to be a laughing stock. I do have my pride and self-esteem to care for. Same goes with people with disabilities. Never make fun of them. They also have hearts.
I guess some people need to be reminded from time to time about this.
Am i really never good enough for you?
3:57 PM
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3:57 PM
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
♥ Mencari Cinta Part II
I know that I have mentioned before that I am not THAT addicted to this show as to other reality shows. But I just can't get enough of what will happen and who the gal (Elly Zakaria) will choose.
But last night's episode kind of pissed me off. Kenapa nak ikut AFMASUK macam masa AF season lepas? Why? Why? Why? I was really hoping to watch the next episode be the finale. But I guess, the producer wants to pro-long the series. I know that the candidate that will be given a chance to re-enter the contest is among the eliminated candidates that were not eliminated by Elly. But I guess that's what the producers want.
Anyway, I can imagine what was going in their heads (Khairul a.k.a. Abang Long and Daniel) when they saw that person-who-was-voted-in walked through the door. I mean they were having a discussion about their feelings and their achievement and suddenly this person just came in strolling his bag and saying that, guys, I am back! (That is what I guess that person would say).
Anyway, let's just wait and see next week who that 'lucky' guy is.
Throughout this series of Mencari Cinta, I have made my mind on characteristics of someone whom I would like to spend my life with. I mean like what I would like him to be and so on.
Just sitting back and watching the guys on TV and people around me, I think I will know if the person is right for me. Not saying that I am waiting for the PERFECT guy, but at least I have some ideas when the suitable suitor comes my way.
Among the candidates in Mencari Cinta, I find that Khairul is somewhat the guy for me. I mean, he is matured (yeah, he is the oldest in the group), and his coolness really make things sweet and memorable. I mean, he thinks before doing things and always lay back and relax but it doesn't turn out to be bad at all. Some may be laid back but it can turn to be irritating. Not with Khairul though in the series. Well, some may say that he is acting. But I am looking for a guy like this and not dreaming of him.
Looks are not the top priority for us women. We can fall in love easily once we know that we can communicate well with men. Right girls? I mean when you would like to win a woman's heart, take it easy, relax, slow down and show us that you care. That will really get us interested (for me). Communicate here means not just communicating well through talking. But overall communication.
Another trait that I'd look is that he LISTENS. Even without any comments or just playing deaf, we know when a guy is listening. At least, give your opinion once in a while. And take note what irrtates us and remember to not do it.
Oh.. and another thing, please have some sense of humour. The world would be dull for me without having anything to laugh about.
Right now, I am feeling like Sandra Bullock (the young one) in Practical Magic, casting a spell in the air and wishing that there will be someone out there for me. Ha..ha.. Call me vain, but I just can't help it.
But last night's episode kind of pissed me off. Kenapa nak ikut AFMASUK macam masa AF season lepas? Why? Why? Why? I was really hoping to watch the next episode be the finale. But I guess, the producer wants to pro-long the series. I know that the candidate that will be given a chance to re-enter the contest is among the eliminated candidates that were not eliminated by Elly. But I guess that's what the producers want.
Anyway, I can imagine what was going in their heads (Khairul a.k.a. Abang Long and Daniel) when they saw that person-who-was-voted-in walked through the door. I mean they were having a discussion about their feelings and their achievement and suddenly this person just came in strolling his bag and saying that, guys, I am back! (That is what I guess that person would say).
Anyway, let's just wait and see next week who that 'lucky' guy is.
Throughout this series of Mencari Cinta, I have made my mind on characteristics of someone whom I would like to spend my life with. I mean like what I would like him to be and so on.
Just sitting back and watching the guys on TV and people around me, I think I will know if the person is right for me. Not saying that I am waiting for the PERFECT guy, but at least I have some ideas when the suitable suitor comes my way.
Among the candidates in Mencari Cinta, I find that Khairul is somewhat the guy for me. I mean, he is matured (yeah, he is the oldest in the group), and his coolness really make things sweet and memorable. I mean, he thinks before doing things and always lay back and relax but it doesn't turn out to be bad at all. Some may be laid back but it can turn to be irritating. Not with Khairul though in the series. Well, some may say that he is acting. But I am looking for a guy like this and not dreaming of him.
Looks are not the top priority for us women. We can fall in love easily once we know that we can communicate well with men. Right girls? I mean when you would like to win a woman's heart, take it easy, relax, slow down and show us that you care. That will really get us interested (for me). Communicate here means not just communicating well through talking. But overall communication.
Another trait that I'd look is that he LISTENS. Even without any comments or just playing deaf, we know when a guy is listening. At least, give your opinion once in a while. And take note what irrtates us and remember to not do it.
Oh.. and another thing, please have some sense of humour. The world would be dull for me without having anything to laugh about.
Right now, I am feeling like Sandra Bullock (the young one) in Practical Magic, casting a spell in the air and wishing that there will be someone out there for me. Ha..ha.. Call me vain, but I just can't help it.
Am i really never good enough for you?
5:38 PM
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5:38 PM
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Monday, September 05, 2005
♥ Just A Little Crush
Remember Jeniffer Paige's Crush? Ala.. yang 'it's just a little crush...not like I faint every time we touch...' This song was popular in the 90's... somewhere in the mid nineties kot (more like end of the ninties). I remember a friend from UTM Johor who dedicated this song to me. We became friends after chatting which was the thing at the time (1998). I have not heard from him since 2000. Don't know what he is doing and I hope that he is fine somewhere out there.
Actually, I came across an article in Cleo (September issue) about having a crush. Before reading that article, I would deny myself that I have a crush on Farid Kamil and Ako Mustapha (just naming a few)nowadays at the age of what some may say to old to have a crush. But I guess it's normal to have a crush on anyone at any age. At least a crush is a thing that only you yourself know about and gives you motivation and makes you feel good too.
I remember having my first crush. It was with a boy from primary school. At that time, I had a crush on him since standard four. He was quite handsome at that time. Bayangkanlah, masa darjah empat dah handsome, dah bayangkan kalau dewasa lagi handsome. But as kids, we would often quarrel. In standard six, he was elected as the assistant head prefect and I was elected as a prefect in our school. We were in different classes but in the sekolah agama, we were in the same class. One time, we had a big fight but I can't remember about what and we didn't speak with each other for quite some time.
One day after recess, we were about to line up before entering our classes. I was upstairs and had to line up at the badminton court in front of the school building. I don't know what happened, but as I was walking down the stairs, I accidently tripped on my sarong. I managed to balance myself and held to a friend's hand since I was in the middle of the stairs. But to no avail, just 3 steps before reaching the ground floor, someone stepped on my sarong and at the same time, I was stepping down the stairs. I was trying to grasp on anything that I could hold on to balance myself. But I found none. So I accidently pushed the person infront of me hoping that I would not fall on my face but it did not happen that way. I fell flat on my face at the bottom of the staircase macam menyembah sesuatu. I felt relieved that I didn't hit anything and was glad that not many heads were noticing what was happening. But as I turned to my right, I turned white seeing that grin and giggle on his face. My crush was there watching the whole thing. I was so humiliated and never spoke to him again for months.
My second crush was with my own classmate. He was the quiet type. I never told him that I had a crush on him because it was against my beliefs. I believe that you should not tell your crushee that you have a crush on them. Anyway, this time, my crush was quite a genius. Very the quiet type. Plays football and always have a smile on his face. The sopan santun type. We would collect money for the class fund and one time, he had not paid for 3 months. We would collect RM5 per month and I paid his share before the class treasurer asked him to pay. One day, the guys ask him if he had paid the class fund because the treasurer did not mention his name. He was confused and wanted to pay his share but the treasurer said that he had paid. He was confused for a while and I just liked the look on his face. The treasurer said that he had paid last week. He was a bit confused but said maybe I have paid. On his birthday, I gave him a t-shirt. Adidas or Asics. I can't remember which brand. Some may say that it's nothing but for me, at that time, I was in boarding school and had to save money to buy that present. It was something to me. He didn't know where the present came from nor from whom. But at the end of our schooldays, I told him that I gave the present to him.
In my uni years, I had a crush on a guy from Kelantan. He was so darn cute. He is a Kelantanese but does not know anything about dikir barat. The crush faded away after I graduated.
Now, I have a crush on Farid Kamil and Ako Mustapha. Not that serius kind of crush like I had in my younger years. But just a crush to cheer me up like on Sunday and Monday nights, I just can't wait to finish up all the chores before 9.30pm just to watch Ako Mustapha in Inikah Cinta aired on TV1. Or supporting the Malay film industry by watching movies that have Farid Kamil in it. And this new guy in my office, a young new staff that I like to watch because of his naiveness and purely honest looks make me do my work twice as fast as before just to make sure that everyday I get a chance to bully him. Ha..ha..
At least now I am free of having crushes and not feel guilty of having them at this age.
Actually, I came across an article in Cleo (September issue) about having a crush. Before reading that article, I would deny myself that I have a crush on Farid Kamil and Ako Mustapha (just naming a few)nowadays at the age of what some may say to old to have a crush. But I guess it's normal to have a crush on anyone at any age. At least a crush is a thing that only you yourself know about and gives you motivation and makes you feel good too.
I remember having my first crush. It was with a boy from primary school. At that time, I had a crush on him since standard four. He was quite handsome at that time. Bayangkanlah, masa darjah empat dah handsome, dah bayangkan kalau dewasa lagi handsome. But as kids, we would often quarrel. In standard six, he was elected as the assistant head prefect and I was elected as a prefect in our school. We were in different classes but in the sekolah agama, we were in the same class. One time, we had a big fight but I can't remember about what and we didn't speak with each other for quite some time.
One day after recess, we were about to line up before entering our classes. I was upstairs and had to line up at the badminton court in front of the school building. I don't know what happened, but as I was walking down the stairs, I accidently tripped on my sarong. I managed to balance myself and held to a friend's hand since I was in the middle of the stairs. But to no avail, just 3 steps before reaching the ground floor, someone stepped on my sarong and at the same time, I was stepping down the stairs. I was trying to grasp on anything that I could hold on to balance myself. But I found none. So I accidently pushed the person infront of me hoping that I would not fall on my face but it did not happen that way. I fell flat on my face at the bottom of the staircase macam menyembah sesuatu. I felt relieved that I didn't hit anything and was glad that not many heads were noticing what was happening. But as I turned to my right, I turned white seeing that grin and giggle on his face. My crush was there watching the whole thing. I was so humiliated and never spoke to him again for months.
My second crush was with my own classmate. He was the quiet type. I never told him that I had a crush on him because it was against my beliefs. I believe that you should not tell your crushee that you have a crush on them. Anyway, this time, my crush was quite a genius. Very the quiet type. Plays football and always have a smile on his face. The sopan santun type. We would collect money for the class fund and one time, he had not paid for 3 months. We would collect RM5 per month and I paid his share before the class treasurer asked him to pay. One day, the guys ask him if he had paid the class fund because the treasurer did not mention his name. He was confused and wanted to pay his share but the treasurer said that he had paid. He was confused for a while and I just liked the look on his face. The treasurer said that he had paid last week. He was a bit confused but said maybe I have paid. On his birthday, I gave him a t-shirt. Adidas or Asics. I can't remember which brand. Some may say that it's nothing but for me, at that time, I was in boarding school and had to save money to buy that present. It was something to me. He didn't know where the present came from nor from whom. But at the end of our schooldays, I told him that I gave the present to him.
In my uni years, I had a crush on a guy from Kelantan. He was so darn cute. He is a Kelantanese but does not know anything about dikir barat. The crush faded away after I graduated.
Now, I have a crush on Farid Kamil and Ako Mustapha. Not that serius kind of crush like I had in my younger years. But just a crush to cheer me up like on Sunday and Monday nights, I just can't wait to finish up all the chores before 9.30pm just to watch Ako Mustapha in Inikah Cinta aired on TV1. Or supporting the Malay film industry by watching movies that have Farid Kamil in it. And this new guy in my office, a young new staff that I like to watch because of his naiveness and purely honest looks make me do my work twice as fast as before just to make sure that everyday I get a chance to bully him. Ha..ha..
At least now I am free of having crushes and not feel guilty of having them at this age.
Am i really never good enough for you?
3:12 PM
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3:12 PM
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